Wed11Apr2001
Errrrr…
Some thoughts. Whatever tone my writing may take in the following entry, please let it be known that my intention is sincerity and peace.
- The April 8 entry was not about anybody who reads this journal, despite my use of the word "buddies". Perhaps "peers" would have been a better word, as I am referring not to specific people, but to our generation as a whole.
- I guess I'm kinda glad that some people thought the entry described them. If it hit so close to home, maybe the entry forced you to take stock of yourself. I'm not telling you how to live. You can draw your own conclusions.
- That was my intent. To shine a light on myself--to question my own life path. The people in the entry are slices of me. I thought that would be clear. Sorry it seemed otherwise.
- It was wrong of me to take a piece of self-critique and present it as an attack on others. I'm really tired of writing about myself (and sometimes embarrassed to let others know what I'm thinking). So I wrote the entry as if I was talking about society as a whole.
- My words of April 8 don't really reflect the way I view people in general or myself. It's confusing...and you may wonder why I wrote them if I didn't mean it. If I didn't mean those things about myself or about others, then why did I put it in my journal? Well, it's like sending out sonar signals and seeing what bounces back. I had to explore those ideas and see how they might relate to me. I had to fire the sonar at myself and see what would bounce back.
- I guess that's a huge problem with having a serious journal online. Unlike some other journals, I'm not just trying to tell goofy stories about my life (there's nothing wrong with that). I see the journal as more of a therapy tool--to explore some nasty shit in my mind and record the thoughts for later reference. When I write something here, it's not "The Gospel According to Brian". It may or may not reflect my opinion on anything. The described events may or may not even be true. Most of all, I don't want to censor myself because I'm worried to send the wrong message. This journal is for me, and that's who I'm writing to. I find all of this very interesting, but I'm sure it's frustrating for someone who looks at the journal for insight into what I'm thinking. Because often the two don't correspond.
- It's like someone working on a speech. They might try different approaches in front of the mirror. But they create a final presentation which they deliver to the audience. The journal is my trial and error in front of the mirror. I try out different ideas to see what works. The final presentation is my life. I hope that you won't think about my mistakes in front of the mirror when you're viewing the final presentation.
- Maybe I should keep the behind-the-scenes stuff to myself. I'm trying to decide what's best. Maybe this site will be shut down. I always thought people might enjoy seeing the contradictory private thoughts that swirl around prior to my conclusions. But maybe the conclusions are all that matters.
- I think the April 9 entry was kind of dumb and pretentious. This is what happens when I try to use the journal to present a public image. I would rather let my public image speak for itself, and let the journal be separate.
- I’m not going to update this site for a few weeks. I need to decide if it’s a worthwhile pursuit.
- I got lots of emails on the recent entries. Please consider my thoughts above to be a response to everybody. Please don’t think I don't care enough to respond to your emails. I’m still available to talk personally, and I’ll try to follow up with all of you in person.
- Above all, I hope that you will enjoy this site for what it is worth, but please don’t take it too seriously. Please look at the big picture: me, and my life and my relationship with you. That’s where the reality is.
Love,
Bri
